I am who I am..

I'm learning more and more that I need to be myself. I keep trying to change myself to make it easier to make friends. I'm losing site of WHO I am, and not even making friends. I find great people but cant seem to be "IN" with them. I feel like I'm in high school again at times I've never been good with friends. Its hard at times especially because I know sooner rather then later It will be just me and Tyler. I have no family really to fall back on or go too see, the one person who I still talk too is 2,000 miles away busy with her own life. I'm going to just have to become more self efficient on some things.

I've been getting sick lately and haven't been eating like I should. Eating my emotions more then eating for nutrition. It's hard to talk to Rick at times I know he's stressed with work, he's my only form of communication and its frustrating when I cant talk to anyone and just have to keep to myself so I either write it out here or just eat (happy thoughts). Explains the delay in my weight loss. I hate how I look lately I've dropped all the baby weight and a little more, I'm still not happy I want that perfect body I used to have and need to realize that I will never have that I just have a stupid idea in my head and its not realistic to me anymore now that I've had my son.

I've been trying to look on the positive side of things lately I really have. Honestly the best thing I'm so proud of is I havent taken up my old habit of smoking. Its going to be hard not to do it again this year with everything but I'm going to have to learn. I know Tyler and hopefully my job will keep me busy I just want everything to go smoothly. A lot of people go home to be with family when their spouse deploys, that's not an option for me and its hard to deal with. My mother is busy with my 4 year old brother and last thing she and my dad need is a 1 year old and another adult in a house with them 3 my sister and my grandmother and then 2 more. So more and more it looks like I'll just be staying in Goldsboro for the entire deployment which I kindof figured would happen.

I've found it harder and harder to become friends with people who dont have kids, not for lack of trying but he's all I have. I have nothing else to talk about he's the most important thing in my life and its like they get annyoed or just dont understand. I want to be able to just go out at a drop of a hat but I cant. Yes Rick can but I'm the mom and it dosent work that way for me. I feel horrible for leaving Tyler. I've caught myself making excuses to just stay home with him. Its just hard sometimes to find people who understand it.

I need to get my butt back to church too before I lose that part of my life that I love actually. I am LDS(christian) damn it I am proud of it. Maybe I'm not the best example yes I drink yes I cuss yes I have a tattoo but I still believe in it and have no problem showing that (I need to stick up for it more). I need to make sure I at least can do that one thing for myself, Rick and I are different faiths but that shouldnt matter I still want to go and get some type of something. Because sitting at home on sunday isn't good for me or my family I need to actually meet some people. Even if they arent Military spouses maybe some laides in the church just something.


Its all over the place but that's me lately....

Reward's

I've decided these last two days to do rewards for my weight loss. Right now I weigh 142, I desperatley need my hair cut. So When I make it to 135 I can get my hair cut. I also would like to have my highlights put in so when I reach 130 I can have my highlights done. My goal weight is 128 by then I should have my body were i'd like it. So When i reach that goal my reward is 2 new bikini's :). I think this will help motavite me to get my butt on track.

I've also noticed that I can make healthy decisions and still eat out. Example Went to Mcdonalds today had a 10 piece nugget and half a small soda 520 calories. Not great however alot better than 1,300 or so for a meal. Everything is about portion size and watching your intake and your calories. I've stopped counting my calories I'm burning off at the gym. I'm motivated to just stick to a 1,200 calorie diet. honestly its not as hard as i'd thought it'd be I'm pretty proud of myself. Yes some days I do 1,300 or 1,400 but I know that I still have a long ways to go before I have my pre-baby body back. I'm down to pre-baby weight but doesnt look it.

Things are going along, doing photography still but not really trying hard because I know there are lots of people out here doing it and I dont want to start drama about it. Some of these girls do and I know I'm confident in my work so if they want to act that way and lose clients more power too them but I'm just going to sit on the back burner. I've got a few paying sessions and that's awesome I'm very excitied about it. I'm hoping by next year I can get into my Boudior photography and focus mainly on that.

Well Babys up..

Accomplished :) ...

The last couple of days I've been trying to get things done. Its been working for the most part, laundry is never ending and I know that so I've been giving myself a break on that aspect of it. Finally got the spare room picked up and ready for someone to stay in there actually. Got the rest of the frames I need to put up some more photo's I've got in actual frames, The house is coming together actually pretty nice.

Been going to the Gym alot lately I'm hoping to make it a routine more and more. :) I'm about 5 pounds away from my goal. I know that more is going to be needed to get the rest of the (Jiggle off of me). By April is the goal so I wear a bathing suit and not feel like I have to cover everything up so I don't offend anyone. Gotta work on it hardcore which I'm determined to do. Just because I'm a mommy doesn't mean my body has to look like I birthed a 9 pound child.

I might foster some dogs this year just to keep me busy with everything going on, Rick Deploying family crap. I just need to separate myself from it and focus on something else like a puppy :). Tyler is growing so fast he's got two front teeth now and he's just a joy to be around. He's really independent though, I try to play with him and he crawls away (lil turd). He's an awesome baby He's not no overachiever but he's my baby and I love him more than anything else.

Part of me lately is starting to wander again when I see Rick play with Tyler it just irks a nerve I guess, not that I dont wish Tyler had a Dad that's not it at ALL. I guess just part of me wishes I had that when I was growing up, I guess I still haven't let the Bio-logical father issue go. He was never there for me. He knows I exist and I look identical to him not nearly like my sister or my mother (different father). So I don't understand why some 47 year old man still want to run from reality in a way.

Overall things are things they aren't WONDERFUL but they sure aren't HORRIBLE. I am very happy with my life right now, I love my son, my house , my husband, my dogs. I know we've got this deployment and I've got it I know I can do this no problem 8 months isn't too long. We know he wont make it for his 2nd birthday so we are going to try and make his First a great one. I'm not sure if we are having a party since I don't really know anyone here as it is. I just need to hang out with people, my husband is a hermit sometimes and I push him to make friends he refuses to talk(go figure).

-- My Life is the average one and I'm ok with that.

((Laundry Time))

Enjoying ...

Actually enjoying things here in Goldsboro, yes its boring as all heck here. Overall it just takes alot of adjustment to get used too. Tyler is growing so fast I don't know what happened to my little tiny baby (ok he was never tiny but he was a little baby). I miss that stage of he just slept and ate. Now I he doesn't stop moving. As of lately he refuses to nap, he maybe took a 30 min nap today needless to say it was a LONG day. He loves when we go to the gym on base he get's to play with kids in the daycare and seems to enjoy it. I think ounce he's a bit older I might put him back into Kindercare just to get that other kid experience he needs to have. I<3 him and just want him to socialized and have friends growing up.

Rick mentioned the idea of Japan the other day, I'm not sure how I feel about Japan. Seems like it'd be really hard adjustment to move oversea's. At this point though I'd hate to take Tyler away from his grandparents and what not but, I'm kindof over all the drama that's going on. I'm married I have my own family and my own issues. I dont want to be involed with anyone elses issues right now. I think its just a wee bit too much. I try to fix everything and I need to learn how to stop doing that.

Still really dont hang out with too many people. I think I'm too standoffish and dont wanna intrude on people. I've always had a complex about meeting people its a little dumb, just gotta figure out how to get over it in a way.

I did however get my Photography stuff set up and ready and raring to go so I can start getting somewhat of an income so I can start helping to pay off our debt. I want everything paid off expect the truck by the end of this year :). That inculded ricks Christmas present we just got for him :)>. He Loves his bike so I'm happy he got it and he needed an outlet to have some fun.

We've still got our 4 wheeler and Dirt bike we are hoping this summer to use more and more. For Tyler's first b-day we are going to go to Busco Beach and have a camp out with uncle Chris and he'll get to go on a 4 wheeler ride with his mommy. Plus go swimming more this summer he loved going in the pool last summer so I want to make sure we keep going. Even if its to the YMCA he loved as well.

Our Life is still all crazy Rick got some AMAZING news I'm so proud of my husband for. We know he's TDY sometime soon which is no biggie. I need to get my new desktop soon so when he goes he can see Tyler from home while he's gone. :) Military housing is actually alot better than I imagined and honestly kindof enjoy it here. Its alot better than were I used to live in Goldsboro. Rick LOVES his garage and he's got all his stuff in there. Hoping this week we'll be able to get the fence put up so the dogs have their own space which they desperately need.

I've still got some decorating to do and need to fix up the spare room/Office for when Rick's brother comes down to visit he's not sleeping in a room just with a futon in it. Doubt I'm going to paint maybe throw up some Wall decor but not get too crazy in there. I still need to do Tyler's and Our Room and the Dinning room and one wall in the Living room is Oddly bare.

-- Well off to do homework

New Year, New Me....

Its been a long time since I've been able to sit down and actually write something. Tyler's napping so I'm on the front deck, perfect time to write some.


Its been an Year, there has been up's down's and all the rest of those fun life type of stuff people have to overcome. My son was born in April of 2010 :) I couldnt imagine him not being here, its crazy to think he'll be a year old in a few short months. I <3 him very much and he's an awesome baby and little pain in the butt sometimes but overall an awesome baby.

This new year I'm hoping to really concentrate on me and my family. To finish my schooling by April, to get my photography more out there and really learn about everything about starting an actually bussiness, I've got the talent now its just to apply it and make something out of it.

Hopefully this year I can also work on my handwritting more and getting it to were I want it to be. (I'm 21 and hate how I write I know I can fix it though). Also looking to make more friends, really the one person i connect with out here has orders outta here early next year. Tyler Loves her daughter that will be hard to say goodbye to her and evan.

Rick's deploying this year its just common knowledge I know its going to happen already preparing for it. I'm ready for it when the time comes. its something that comes along with the military. I get irritated when some people act like its the end of the world. I know life will go on and I just have to go into it with that attitude.

By summer time I'm hoping to be back down too 130 pounds again and finally get rid of all this excess babyness I've acciqured when I had my son, I know it takes time so I'm just watching what I'm eating and working out hoping it will pay off in time.

That's what my new year starting today...... Hopefully it goes as planned

Life Moves on Slowly...

Things lately for me have been so up and down I don't know which was to turn honestly. I got a job at sears I am so thrilled about its something that I LOVE to do and really enjoy it. Also the time away form Tyler is nice as well. I love my son mommy breaks are just nice as well.

One of the main things that is really getting it to me is my biological father. I don't know him I've never had him in my life. He has never been there ran away, I lived in CA for 14 YEARS and the man never ounce cared enough ed to see me. I know I'm better off without him, however all the times when I was a child and all those memories of just wanting my dad there. Part me is still wanting to talk to him. Not have him be that DADDY just talk to him too see why he never tried. He called me 2 weeks ago and basically a 3 min phone call consisted of well are you "SURE" I'm your father. I identical to him from the photo's I have It just makes me so upset that he is 47 and still just wont come to terms he has a daughter. I don't want money, I don't want a DADDY, I just want to talk to the man and know what he's like to know if I get some of my traits from him. I just want to know ! It hurts so bad and its embarrassing that I'm 21 and embarrassed about this.


--

Rick and I were talking also the other night about something and I mentioned that I had always wondered were I'd be if I would have actually followed my dear and done MP/Security Forces K-9. Instead of sticking in Utah taking dumb retail jobs, Its always been something I wanted to do . I think I stuck around to take care of my family, I felt like if I were to leave then I'd be abandoning them since then I was helping them out with bills. I just have been wondering a lot of what would I be now. Would I be married ? Would I have a SON? just lots of questions that are un-answered I know I love my son and wouldn't trade him for anything and in time I think this will go away. (the wondering aspect)


--

Still don't have a lot of friends out here. I have 1 honestly and they've got Orders out of here in March :(. I have a hard time being myself around people. Even my Husband says I cant be myself no one wants to be my friend. I miss my Best Friend a lot, I've tried to make MORE friends out here its hard I don't seem to find somewhere to fit in. Everyone seems to already have a little group of close friends so its just a little hard to find a place to squeeze myself in. Within the next month we should be moving on Base so maybe I'll be able to find more friends that way.. I sure hope so

That's about all the update I have being a mommy is Full time and dont have alot of extra time I normally start doing something and half the time if I'm on the computer I get pulled away sitting doesnt happen 90% of the time lol.

:)

Just want to throw my Hands up and say "You WIN"

Ever just feel like there is someone out there trying to bring you down.
Give you ever single hurdle you can think of and make you cross them with no
support or help and having a 4 month old at the same time ?

That's how I'm feeling lately. I know everything happens for a reason, and all that jazz. Just sometimes it feels like its all too much to handle at ounce. I'm hoping within the next couple of weeks I'll have a job (God willing). I know that will help alot. I've made a promise to myself to go to the Gym 3x's a Week for 90 mins each. So I'm hoping that will help with everything. I'm starting to lose weight slowly which is better than nothing.

I'm still doing photography, just not really advertising because it doesn't seem to be worth it out here. There are so many people who are doing it. When we go back to UT. I might book a session or two while I'm there.

Rick and I are hoping within the next couple of years we can make our way back to the West Coast. I'm having a hard time adjusting out here still and we've almost been here a year. Come September we will have been in NC for a year.

Its weird to think that Tyler has been here for 4 months. He's a Mellow tempered child, he has his moments. That's for sure but overall he's a great baby. He is so much like his father, Rick and I were throwing around the Idea of another child right around after Tyler's 1st Birthday . Well that is only talk as of now though.

We have applied for base housing. The way its looking we might barley make the list to get a house on base. I really hope we do cause having to rent is getting real old, real fast. Especially with 2 Large Dogs with no backyard. Needless to say they are stir crazy to say the least.

We are planning a trip to UT in September (YAY) so my parents and family can meet Tyler. Also for my sister's wedding. Rick might be able to see his best friend just before he deploys I know that'd mean alot to Rick so I'm hoping he gets to see him.

Part of me wants Rick to Deploy soon because this whole waiting game of ok when is it going to happen again. Is more stressful than the actually deployment part of it from what I remember from his last deployment anyway,

Still really only have one person I hang out with on a semi-normal basis and that's about it Christa Left, Sheila is gone and Jenn is gone too. Kind-of sucks but oh well that's military life. Just sometimes sitting at home with the baby all day long gets to the point that you just need to get out before you lose IT. Which I admit I've gotten there quite a few times with him. Not that I don't love him just sometimes it gets hard.

Rick's been working some crazy crazy hours and its taking a toll at times with us which is to be expected. I barley see him more than for maybe 2 hours a day the last 3 weeks have gone. It seems like he always gets screwed over and ends up staying later. I know its a job and the benefits make up for most the bad things that has happened. Sometimes a good whine just feels good though.

I hate that my school has taken a back burner lately. I just keep running into hurdles every time I get started again. I know I will finish it just might take a little longer than I normally expected :(.