I am who I am..

I'm learning more and more that I need to be myself. I keep trying to change myself to make it easier to make friends. I'm losing site of WHO I am, and not even making friends. I find great people but cant seem to be "IN" with them. I feel like I'm in high school again at times I've never been good with friends. Its hard at times especially because I know sooner rather then later It will be just me and Tyler. I have no family really to fall back on or go too see, the one person who I still talk too is 2,000 miles away busy with her own life. I'm going to just have to become more self efficient on some things.

I've been getting sick lately and haven't been eating like I should. Eating my emotions more then eating for nutrition. It's hard to talk to Rick at times I know he's stressed with work, he's my only form of communication and its frustrating when I cant talk to anyone and just have to keep to myself so I either write it out here or just eat (happy thoughts). Explains the delay in my weight loss. I hate how I look lately I've dropped all the baby weight and a little more, I'm still not happy I want that perfect body I used to have and need to realize that I will never have that I just have a stupid idea in my head and its not realistic to me anymore now that I've had my son.

I've been trying to look on the positive side of things lately I really have. Honestly the best thing I'm so proud of is I havent taken up my old habit of smoking. Its going to be hard not to do it again this year with everything but I'm going to have to learn. I know Tyler and hopefully my job will keep me busy I just want everything to go smoothly. A lot of people go home to be with family when their spouse deploys, that's not an option for me and its hard to deal with. My mother is busy with my 4 year old brother and last thing she and my dad need is a 1 year old and another adult in a house with them 3 my sister and my grandmother and then 2 more. So more and more it looks like I'll just be staying in Goldsboro for the entire deployment which I kindof figured would happen.

I've found it harder and harder to become friends with people who dont have kids, not for lack of trying but he's all I have. I have nothing else to talk about he's the most important thing in my life and its like they get annyoed or just dont understand. I want to be able to just go out at a drop of a hat but I cant. Yes Rick can but I'm the mom and it dosent work that way for me. I feel horrible for leaving Tyler. I've caught myself making excuses to just stay home with him. Its just hard sometimes to find people who understand it.

I need to get my butt back to church too before I lose that part of my life that I love actually. I am LDS(christian) damn it I am proud of it. Maybe I'm not the best example yes I drink yes I cuss yes I have a tattoo but I still believe in it and have no problem showing that (I need to stick up for it more). I need to make sure I at least can do that one thing for myself, Rick and I are different faiths but that shouldnt matter I still want to go and get some type of something. Because sitting at home on sunday isn't good for me or my family I need to actually meet some people. Even if they arent Military spouses maybe some laides in the church just something.


Its all over the place but that's me lately....