Life Moves on Slowly...

Things lately for me have been so up and down I don't know which was to turn honestly. I got a job at sears I am so thrilled about its something that I LOVE to do and really enjoy it. Also the time away form Tyler is nice as well. I love my son mommy breaks are just nice as well.

One of the main things that is really getting it to me is my biological father. I don't know him I've never had him in my life. He has never been there ran away, I lived in CA for 14 YEARS and the man never ounce cared enough ed to see me. I know I'm better off without him, however all the times when I was a child and all those memories of just wanting my dad there. Part me is still wanting to talk to him. Not have him be that DADDY just talk to him too see why he never tried. He called me 2 weeks ago and basically a 3 min phone call consisted of well are you "SURE" I'm your father. I identical to him from the photo's I have It just makes me so upset that he is 47 and still just wont come to terms he has a daughter. I don't want money, I don't want a DADDY, I just want to talk to the man and know what he's like to know if I get some of my traits from him. I just want to know ! It hurts so bad and its embarrassing that I'm 21 and embarrassed about this.


--

Rick and I were talking also the other night about something and I mentioned that I had always wondered were I'd be if I would have actually followed my dear and done MP/Security Forces K-9. Instead of sticking in Utah taking dumb retail jobs, Its always been something I wanted to do . I think I stuck around to take care of my family, I felt like if I were to leave then I'd be abandoning them since then I was helping them out with bills. I just have been wondering a lot of what would I be now. Would I be married ? Would I have a SON? just lots of questions that are un-answered I know I love my son and wouldn't trade him for anything and in time I think this will go away. (the wondering aspect)


--

Still don't have a lot of friends out here. I have 1 honestly and they've got Orders out of here in March :(. I have a hard time being myself around people. Even my Husband says I cant be myself no one wants to be my friend. I miss my Best Friend a lot, I've tried to make MORE friends out here its hard I don't seem to find somewhere to fit in. Everyone seems to already have a little group of close friends so its just a little hard to find a place to squeeze myself in. Within the next month we should be moving on Base so maybe I'll be able to find more friends that way.. I sure hope so

That's about all the update I have being a mommy is Full time and dont have alot of extra time I normally start doing something and half the time if I'm on the computer I get pulled away sitting doesnt happen 90% of the time lol.

:)

Just want to throw my Hands up and say "You WIN"

Ever just feel like there is someone out there trying to bring you down.
Give you ever single hurdle you can think of and make you cross them with no
support or help and having a 4 month old at the same time ?

That's how I'm feeling lately. I know everything happens for a reason, and all that jazz. Just sometimes it feels like its all too much to handle at ounce. I'm hoping within the next couple of weeks I'll have a job (God willing). I know that will help alot. I've made a promise to myself to go to the Gym 3x's a Week for 90 mins each. So I'm hoping that will help with everything. I'm starting to lose weight slowly which is better than nothing.

I'm still doing photography, just not really advertising because it doesn't seem to be worth it out here. There are so many people who are doing it. When we go back to UT. I might book a session or two while I'm there.

Rick and I are hoping within the next couple of years we can make our way back to the West Coast. I'm having a hard time adjusting out here still and we've almost been here a year. Come September we will have been in NC for a year.

Its weird to think that Tyler has been here for 4 months. He's a Mellow tempered child, he has his moments. That's for sure but overall he's a great baby. He is so much like his father, Rick and I were throwing around the Idea of another child right around after Tyler's 1st Birthday . Well that is only talk as of now though.

We have applied for base housing. The way its looking we might barley make the list to get a house on base. I really hope we do cause having to rent is getting real old, real fast. Especially with 2 Large Dogs with no backyard. Needless to say they are stir crazy to say the least.

We are planning a trip to UT in September (YAY) so my parents and family can meet Tyler. Also for my sister's wedding. Rick might be able to see his best friend just before he deploys I know that'd mean alot to Rick so I'm hoping he gets to see him.

Part of me wants Rick to Deploy soon because this whole waiting game of ok when is it going to happen again. Is more stressful than the actually deployment part of it from what I remember from his last deployment anyway,

Still really only have one person I hang out with on a semi-normal basis and that's about it Christa Left, Sheila is gone and Jenn is gone too. Kind-of sucks but oh well that's military life. Just sometimes sitting at home with the baby all day long gets to the point that you just need to get out before you lose IT. Which I admit I've gotten there quite a few times with him. Not that I don't love him just sometimes it gets hard.

Rick's been working some crazy crazy hours and its taking a toll at times with us which is to be expected. I barley see him more than for maybe 2 hours a day the last 3 weeks have gone. It seems like he always gets screwed over and ends up staying later. I know its a job and the benefits make up for most the bad things that has happened. Sometimes a good whine just feels good though.

I hate that my school has taken a back burner lately. I just keep running into hurdles every time I get started again. I know I will finish it just might take a little longer than I normally expected :(.

Been Slacking..

Tyler is getting so big. He is just over 3 months, I cannot beleive how big he has gotten. Also that I gave birth three months ago blows my mind. I still have some excess babyness left of me that reminds me but overall I dont even remember sometimes I'm a mom. Oh course I know I'm a mom but its just not the overwhelming concern. About my child, I love him dearly but I had no problem leaving him for a little while with a sitter I was a little anxious but I was overall just fine with it.

He's learned that he can scout himself in a circle if he wants to go somewhere so now he refuses to roll over. He's a freaking little monster, however he's not little by no means. He's 16lbs and 11oz's and almost 26 inches. Pretty soon within the next month he'll be getting a new car seat :) We are thinking about the Safety First Air protect car seat. I love it and its very very safe seat and can use it for a long time to come.

He loves to laugh and play. He knows Rick & I's faces as well now too and if you talk to him he'll just grin and grin. Especially when daddy sings "tittes and beer" to him. My husband just loves to push my buttons with singing them songs to him. Tyler just LOVES them though

---

I am still trying to go to school. I've recently had to stop just because I was getting so frusrated with it I needed a small break. However I will be starting that right back up within the next week. I've also think I've found a Gym out here I'm going to join so I can get back into my pre- baby body asap. Overall things arent looking as bad as they were before.

Some things have changed I still dont have many good friends out here. I know it just takes time. That and I have a hard time opening up to people I wish people knew the REAL me but there is like 2 people who know the real me my ex(David) and my Best friend (Rennie).

I'm a little out there but I know I'm a good person. Rick and I are doing alright, things are still going along. Married is still a hard thing to adjust too at time. Especially because Rick and I are so much alike. I refuse to ask for help and when I do need help I need it. Rick is so stubborn that he wont acknowledge that he is getting overwhelmed as well. Its a big ole circle of nonesense since were both so sutbborn.

We've been married 13 months or so and honestly it just seems like a wirlwind. We have an idea of when he might be deploying again. Which is kindof sad I knew it was coming, I know I'll be fine I was last time. Just now I have Tyler and also I'll be away from family and my friends since were in NC. I know everything will work out just a waiting game on that part of it.

Rick and I were disscusing having more kids. Both him and I decided that after we have a baby girl that we will be done. For Bio-logical kids. I've always wanted to adopt ever since I can remember and Rick is open to the idea however I know that it'll just take some time. I honestly want to have another one about 3 to 4 years from now and then wait for another 5 or so. Just because my body and pregnancy were not excatly friends :). I'm 21 now so I'll be 24 or 25 when I have another which I thing is just fine.

I've been throwing around the idea of getting a part time job. Not sure if I want to actively purrsue this or not. I'm still debating, I mean I applied at a job the other day at a gym. Because I was there and just decieded to go for it. I mean if I get it that's great if I dont that's alright as well. The extra income would be really nice actually. We arent hurting for money but I could pay off some credit cards.

------

I took Tyler's 3 month photo's as well this is my Favorite

Still Going Along..

Things are good, in most aspects. Still working on making our marriage better (who isn"t). Tyler turned 2 months old 2 days ago. I love this little guy so much, stil adjusting some with him getting used to his bec and call. But its good for the most part.

I had put off on Kinder care for a while just because I didnt know about getting the money situated but now I think we are going to put him in kinder care because it'd be the best thing so I still have My time and he get sociallized with other kids and other people. I just love him so MUCH. it'll be hard to leave him most the day. But I know its the best option for us !

I've made a couple friends out here, christa and shelia and anne are all really cool people. Other than that I dont feel like I can really "click" with other people. they just seem two faced or just people who I cant be myself with. Anyone who knows me damn well knows I dont keep my mouth shut. I am the type of person that if you piss me off I'll call you out. I dont think I can really do that with people out here.

Oh Well though I dont care honestly :)> I've got my son and school to do, I'm still enjoying photography I just know that out here its not worth pursing as a Career because SOO many people are Attempting to make a name for themselves I refuse to sell myself for nothing to compete with their prices. I have a better quailty picture so I wont lower my price. So I'll wait tell we are able to PCS (hopefully back to Hill AFB).

Almost a Year DAMN

Yep I'll be married for a year in 23 days. Honestly It doesnt feel like it, sometimes I look bad and really do believe when people say the first year is the hardest. In Our case it was Moving, me being pregnant having Tyler and a bunch of little things added on in there. At the same time I cant imagine me anywhere else. I mean I can but I wouldnt be truly happy. The saying" The grass isnt always greener on the other side is right". Yes sometimes I wanna pack up and leave but no one's relationship is perfect and if it is well BITE ME. :)

Rick got news on an upcoming deployment and I'm not too thrilled with it. Were disscussing me going back to Utah for the time that he's deployed. However my parents dont really have room, and as mush as I LOVE my grandma I cant live with her again I'll go CRAZY.

I have a cute little on sleeping next to me. He's getting so damn big ! He is almost 11lbs We go in on the 17th for his 2 month checkup and he gets his shots :(. That's gonna be a hard day for me I think more than him. mostly he's a very very MELLOW child and I love it. For the past couple days though he's been more fussy than usual I've chocked it up onto a growth spurt he seems to be getting over it now.

I had my 6 week checkup and everything is good to go. Now I just gotta deal with TriCares BS to get my IUD approval faxed to My OB's office AGAIN. Gosh free medical is great but a huge pain in my ass sometimes.

I weigh 158 :( BOOOO Yeah I'm not too thrilled with that number I weigh TOOO much for me I need to lose 20 lbs and that'd be IDEAL I dont have to nessacrly fit back into my 5/6 but my 7/8's is what I'm shooting for.

I've taken all the junk out of the house Rick doesnt know it yet. I'm super serious about losing weight I hate wearing size 12's its absoutely ridiculus that I am wearing that size. I've got to get fitted for my brides maid dress middle of this month I want to drop at least 5lbs before then my dilema is I'm going to be losing weight and I dont know if I should order a size down or not ?? Gah the decision just suck lol.

Well I better go get baby up to eat he's slept 4 hours straight w.o eating and he needs to sleep tonight so time to wake him

One Month Ago..

And One Day I had my son. At 5:09pm I was in labor for 16 hours natural and 1 hour with an epidural. It was the best thing that's ever happended to me. I love him more than anything else. I love my husband but this is like a diffrenet love. Its weird to explain, dont get me wrong there are days were I want to pull my hair out cause he is fussy and wont settle down (today is one of those). When he smiles at me its makes it all worth it !

Rick and I will be married for a Year June 25th. Kindof shockinf there were so many people who said we wouldnt last. It hasnt been no walk in the park that's for sure. I got pregnant like a month after we got married. So of course its gonna a rocky start I'm bitchy normaly add hormones and yeah I turned into Mega Bitch :). Him and I are two diffrenet people but at the same time when even each other out. Its kindof odd but we do work together. There are times where I wanna just pack my shit and leave cause he's being well a man. But we work through it. Takes some time and pateince but we work through it.

I joined this lady's Gym on base for one month. So I can get a jump start on working out and June I will just start going to the regular gym. Doesnt cost anything that way, plus it'd be a better enviorment for me. My Goal is too work out 4 days a week an hour each day. Which is proving to be difficult sometimes I lose my motivation and working out alone sucks sometimes. But I feel guilty asking someone to wake up at 8 am to work out with me. Not everyone is a morning person like me .

Still really haven't meet many people to hand out with out here but its ok. Housework , 2 Dogs, Husband, and school. So that does keep me busy just gets a tad lonely at times. I cannot wait tell Rennie comes, she's basically the only person who understands me. She knows me better than Rick. Might help were basically the same..

3 Weeks Wow :)

Tyler is 3 weeks almost 3 in a half actually. I can't beleive it even looking back on my whole labor experince. It wasnt that bad ok the back labor was fucking brutal though I will admit that. My Doctor was amazing (expect making me wait tell 7cm to get an epidural). I would do it over again in a minute. I know I remember saying that I dont want anymore kids, however I really cant imagine not being a mommy now. Its weird that a baby who cant talk, who sleeps eats and poop's can make my whole day better by smiling at me. Even if people just say its gas I dont care his smile makes my day.

I'm getting back on track with my schooling YAY.. I'm hoping to finish by November and be able to secure a job by Jan 2011. That's the plan well see what actually happens. Part of me really misses Utah and I really do want to go back I miss my friends I mean I have meet some really cool people out here anne and sheila are awesome. I just miss my mountains, and I miss being able to walk up the street and go hiking. I miss that small town country type feel North Ogden had. I miss my crazy white trash family. I want Tyler to have his grandparents in his life. I had my grandmother in mine and It was great, sadly I never knew my grandfather I want Tyler to know his grandpa :). I cant really complain I knew what I was marrying into and that's military life I cant chose where we live. The Airforce does and I'll just have to deal with it .

The weather out here is horrible.. Humid as all FUCK, 90-98 degrees +humditiy I feel like I'm going to die some days. I try to get up early and go walking its a little harder though when Tyler wants to sleep because believe me you dont want to wake up a sleeping baby. Or at least I dont :) I enjoy my sleep, I've got 20 pounds to lose to be at 135 again + a shit load of cruches that need to be done to tighten skin again.. I need to get the member ship on the base gym activated so I can work out in A/C lol.

This is why I didnt bother :)

Dont get me Wrong I LOVE photography I've invested alot of my time into learning photography (The RIGHT way). I invested in my camera and my flash and my backdrops as well as my lighting. I know what needs to be done to create a nice portrait. However it seem as of lately everyone and their damn dog wants to do photography which is great its a great thing to learn. Here is my pet peeve people who make a "company name" take pictures for 4 months and think their some kind of photography godess um NO. Your not sorry but your pictures Suck their over-expossed and you used lighting wrong. This isnt directed at anyone imparticular I'm just getting frustrated with the over abundence of people who want to learn it but just are too lazy to either ask for help or to pick up a photography book and learn. I bet half these people I've seen on facebook & craigslist dont even now was DOF or appeature or F-Stop is Or their focus depth on their camera. Those are so cruical in photography on and POP UP FLASH on your DSLR is not meant to be used it looks BAD in every picture...


This is why I dont bother promoting myself out here much I mean I could make some money however I dont want to have to compete with these "wannabe photographers" It Sounds Like I'm all high and mighty but I'm not I'm just frustrated that this is like a joke to some people. These people are getting wedding shoots and screwing them up and these people are living with crappy photo's of their weddings you cant re-shoot a wedding I mean you just cant !

2 weeks Oh wow

Its been 2 weeks today since I had Tyler. It seems so surreal that I am a mom. I am very very happy. Just very surreal still, he is a great baby at nighttime and even during the day its great. He does have a little congestion in his nose. So he's always snoring but the doctor says that its ok and that it should clear up soon :).

I've started to work out more and more :). I weighed 194lbs when I deliverd I now weigh 160lbs. Still cant fit into my fat pants but little steps so I'm not stressing. I walked 3 miles one day and then the next day I walked 4 miles. So I'm hoping to get this weight off fast. At least by June so I can get into my size 7/8 pants and I'll be quite happy.

Everythng here is basically good, I've started becoming more and more comfortable in NC I still would rather be in UT or ID. I know that that's not an option so its ok and I'm dealing with it. I have started school online for medical transcripton. Its hard to get time to study but I've been trying to make sure I at least study 1 hour a day. Rick's been pretty helpful about taking Tyler while I study.

I took Tyler's One Week Pictures Here are my Favs :)

((Little Vent))




I am a very opionated person, anyone who knows me knows that . I'm SOO sick of hearing what choices I've made in my life will know make my child gay or he will be one of those kids who get tattos. You know what if he does then he does he's my son not yours so keep your damn opion to yourself. I can raise my son however Rick and I please. I dont give a flying crap what you think :)

He's Finally Here

Yep My son made his way into the world April 16th, 2010 at 5:09 pm. Would have been born earlier but I was waiting for daddy to get his butt back to the hospital :)> . Being a mommy is great so far I have the up's and downs but honestly I know in a couple weeks I'll get the hang of this so Its worth it too me to stick out the rough spots here are there with the crying. Mostly he just sleeps so no complaints from me too much :). I am a little bummed about my weight but I know I can excersize and get my behind in gear. I'm only 5 days PP so I dont even want to step near a scale I know I'll be upset.

I started school just before Tyler came for medical transcription I havent done any since he's come home. Bad Bad ME I know I just cant find time or the motiavtion actually to do it is the correct term to it. Hopefully I'll be able to get my behind in gear the next couple of days and get school started up again :)>.

34 Weeks 2 TO GOO

Its been a Bit since I updated this whoopise oh well. I am 34 weeks and So EXCITIED 2 more weeks and I'm considered Full Term and I can have Tyler. Well I can start coaxing him to come anyway haha.

Puppies are still good Getting ready for the baby they are really good with everything in the baby's room. Oreo tried to eat a diaper and learned that mom beating her with the diaper that it wasnt worth it anymore :). Rick and I got more back on our return then we expected and was able to pay 2 credit cards off and Buy a new Sectional for the living room YAY Its soo nice has two Recliners on it. Rick Also bought me my new Flash for my camera he's such a good husband.

Rick will Hopefully sew Staff on Beginning of April were just not sure yet. The pay increase would be awesome right about then if so. Its kindof weird to think in 2 weeks I could be holding my son. WOW I'm only 20 I'll be 21 the 13th of April but I'm still so Young and I'm gonna be a mommy. Kindof hard to think of at times. We've still got 2 things we need to get before were all the way ready.

That's about it honestly I'm still at home with no job. I'm starting School in May so I'm a stay at home wife for the time being.

30 Weeks

I am still in Shock that I'm 7 Months Pregnant wow I am going to be a mommy in 2 months. :) Rick's Birthday is Tommrow he's going to be 24 I keep picking on him telling him he's getting old. He thinks he is but he's not. I got him a Cute Birthday suprise and a Cute Cake I think he'll like it . Or at Least I hope so, I'd like to do something more special for him but we cannot really afford it at the moment. Puppies are Doing well still little shit heads and wanting to play all the TIME. :) Oreo is Getting Fixed at the end of the month, thank god I never have to deal with a dog going into heat again that was disguting.
We Got the Plane Tickets for my Mom and my Little Brother to Come out here for the Birth YAY I'm so Excitied They are going to be here to help for a week. Which is going to be good I'll need all the help I can get with a Newborn and two Puppies. Plus with my Husband working swing shift this might be hard.
Last night I had a Bit of a scare For about 3 hours I had a horrible pain in my side that would not give up. I couldnt move I couldnt get comfortable, I think it was because Tyler was Laying Horizontal across my stomach. I'm thinking that's what was causing the pain. I hope tonight is better if Not I'm going to have too Call Labor and Delivery because I cant handle another night of that. Tyler was fine he was kicking and punching me so we shall see..

Stupid Matience Men :)

Apparently they dont appericate my Country music.. Whoopise oh well, No one lives next to us and were the end unit townhome. Not my fault they just listen to Rap, They can deal with my music its not like I have it cranked up or anything. Everytime I see the head matience man he laughs at me. Because our Truck is always Muddy and were country stuck in the city as he put it, and as of this weekend its missing a Bumper (haha ). We took it Mudding and it ripped it off. Let me tell you, Tyler loved the mudding he was kicking me all sorts of places. I miss the West Coast Music wise and people wise. Its really pretty out here but If I could just get the people switched it'd be a little better :)

Our Truck Now

:)

Time is Flying By

Cannot Believe that in 2 months I'll be a mommy. So not ready I mean I am but not really ready. Rick and I are finally getting comfortable living in this townhome. Now if we can figure out the Power Bill Issue We've been having that'd be fantastic !

Need Out of this House !!

I love my Life but being cooped up in this house all day I want to fucking pull my hair out. I cant find a Decent job out here. Yes I am being a little picky I have a right to be I refuse to work fast food been there done that not going to happen ever again. Plus I'm 6 months pregnant so that doesnt help the situation at all. Money is tight have to fly my mom out here in April and then she'll have to bring my little brother with her. So I'm going to have 2 dogs Rick My Mom my Baby brother and a newborn all in my house at one time. I just want to be able to get a little income on my own. I'd love to do photography more but there isnt much demand for it out here. I am frustrated with just everything Schooling is an idea but I'm not sure what I can do out here There are no programs I'm interested in anyways. Ugh Ok I'll stop whining for now :)

Life's Running By

Wahoo Its 2010 I dont know when 2009 passed by. I cant believe its already a new year, I am excited for the new year and the baby and getting everything settled here. I made some yummy no bake cookies earlier. Now I am just playing with my new phone Hubby got me a ENV touch screen. What a Good husband he is :)

6 Months Wahooo

I've been married for Over 6 months Now :).. It just seems like the other day I was waiting to get a IM from him on the computer when he was deployed. I'm 25 weeks pregnant today I've gained 12lbs so far I'm not sure if I'm ok with that or not yet. Time will tell I guess, got him room together for the most part. Still need to get a couple little things bottles and bedding and other small stuff but I'm not worried. I've got 3 months so I dont need to fret about it just yet.

Rick and I are hoping to get some bills paid off with our tax returns I'm hoping to get at least 2 credit cards paid off that way. It wont be that much of a hit when the baby comes and were itching together for money. We paid off one of our credit cards so only 3 more to go wahoo :)>. Still have the Truck and the 4 wheeler but those arent going to be paid off for at least a couple years. We have good intrest rates so I'm ok with that.

I finally got my little home studio put together so hopefully I can start making a little extra cash. I want to find a nice part time job out here, but all the child care places scare the hell out of me. As in I wont even get out of the truck to look at them. There that run down in bad parts of town, so I'll have to find other ways to make a little extra cash here and there.

Still got my puppys Oreo and Dakota there but pains in my ass's at times but they keep me company during the day. Plus motivate me to work out or at least try to get them walked around the complex at least each of them twice. It'll be nice in April when I'm able to fly my mom out for the birth (to help afterwards). I'll have some time to work out and what not without having to leave my son with the CDC on base. Thats a hard thing I'm having to face with being military is not having the option to have my mom there to watch tyler on a moments notice if something all the suddens comes up. But that's ok it just gives me an excuse to fly my family out here :)